


i had the heart of a pessimist

by TheGodWith5Yen



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bonding, Coming Out, Community College, F/F, Family Feels, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Gen, Lesbian Character, Modern Era, Reconciliation, Self-Discovery, its just like set in like 2016/2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-07 12:41:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19209652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGodWith5Yen/pseuds/TheGodWith5Yen
Summary: “Why’re you crying?” Leah managed to say through her sobs.“Because you are and I love you and I hate how much you’ve been hurting for so long!”She brought her hand to his hair- he was growing it out again, it was just about chin length now- and brushed her fingers through it. “You’re so good Seth.” They cried for a little bit longer, watching the waves and listening to the sounds of howling in the distance.





	i had the heart of a pessimist

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this in January and just got to finishing it after ignoring it for months! Hope you guys like this, I enjoyed going over what I had written, this piece feels just so special to me <3
> 
> title comes from 'Heart of a Pessimist' by be steadwell, lots of cute queer songs yall should check her out!
> 
> oh also! Nessie shows up, I made it that she ages slower so she's more like three years old! Also idk shes just called nessie, her name isnt renesmee god smeyer really went and wrote that damn poor girl

A cloud shifted slightly, causing a ray of sunlight to fall over the clearing they were loitering around. Leah huffed and glared up the sun, suddenly radiating a warmth into her bare shoulders and cheeks. It was such a nice day, and a selfish part of her did not want to spend it here with the Cullens.

Why did she always come back though? She understood why Jacob was compelled to be around the Cullens, his excessive thoughts about pretty boy Benjamin was enough explanation honestly, not to mention how Ness was practically his niece. Sister? Whatever. And Seth, he always liked the Cullens. There were days, when the leeches were stumbling about preparing for the wedding and the inevitable bite, that he would come back home smelling much too sweet that it gave Leah mild headaches. He would grin and shrug and mutter a small apology as he stuffed leftover pasta into his mouth.

 _He’s just so good I guess_ , Leah thought as she watched her baby brother roll around the flowers to get into a comfortable position as little Nessie pet at his fur. Well, her little chubby fists tended to pull more than actually pet him, but he didn’t seem to care much about the pain, except for an occasional eye twitch.

Leah shifted her attention back to the crown of flowers she was weaving. The last time she had visited, she had made the mistake of mentioning how she knew how to make real flower crowns. Nessie, who was in a phase of loving everything she wore to be flowers, had insisted that she make some for her. And, honestly, as much as she would have wanted to, there was no way she wasn’t going to do what the kid asked.

God, was she turning soft?

“You’re opening up.” A cold body dropped down next to her. “That’s the beauty of time, you begin to grow and let others be a part of you in a way you may have forgotten about.”

Leah’s lips picked up in slight disgust. There was no way she was ever going to get used to that stink. Seth and Jake were wonders for their kind. Her fingers spasmed and dropped a purple flower in her lap. _Oh fuck you, don’t read my thoughts_ , she thought as she answered aloud, “That’s unfortunate.”

Edward chuckled. He propped his chin on his hand, humming softly under his breath as he watched his daughter. “I appreciate all that you have done. All that you continue to do. To be quite honest, I’m constantly surprised that you continue to visit.”

Her eyes flickered over to Seth, who was pressing his large nose against Nessie’s, and her thoughts went to Jacob, her Alpha. Jacob as he stood tall and proud, as he laughed and wrapped his arm around Seth’s shoulders, as he stared longingly at Benjamin as the vampire leaned against the piano and spoke quietly to Esme, as he held Nessie in his arms and laughed at something she whispered in his ear.

“I see.” Edward nodded his head. “Thank you anyway.”

Leah shrugged her shoulders and focused back on the flowers in her hands. They felt so delicate in her rough hands. She sighed and began to twist the stems and get back to business. The sooner she finished this, the sooner she could get back home.

Later, when she set the crown on top of Nessie’s head, secured by wrapping her curls around it, the little girl placed her hand on Leah’s cheek to express her gratitude. Leah breathed in at the rush of emotions, a small smile falling into place on her face without her meaning for it to happen.

“Glad you like it Ness.” Leah laughed, her own hand brushing back a lock of hair from the baby’s cheek. “Hey, how about next time I come by, I help teach you how to do it? I’m sure your Auntie Alice and Rosalie would love to have them.”

Nessie pursed her lips and nodded her head. “And Nana and Grandpa and Emmy and Jazz! Especially Emmy, he, he loves when I make him things! And Jake!” She excitedly named off who would love to get a gift of flower crowns from her, glancing over to Edward who nodded in agreement, a wide smile growing on his face as he watched his daughter.

****

It was always a shock in her system when she did something mundane that had nothing to do with being a shapeshifter part of a pack of wolves, or dealing with a weird family of vampires and their cute little daughter. Each time Leah stepped off the bus, her backpack full of notebooks and highlighters and pencils and an extra set of clothes, and onto the drab pathway to the community college she felt as though she was having an out of body experience. The bag hit against her back, but she couldn’t quite feel it. Her fingers would grip at the straps, but the fabric felt off. It would be a haze until she blinked, shook her head and walked forward.

She sidestepped pools of water and carefully stepped over cracks. It was ingrained in her, whenever she was thoughtlessly walking about, after years of crying insistence from Seth that they could never step on a crack. There was one time that Leah had stepped on a crack and caused her baby brother to burst into tears and cling to their mother's leg for nearly twenty minutes before the combined efforts of their parents soothing voices had gotten him to calm down.

Her hands dug into the deep pockets of her jeans- actually they might be Seth’s now that she thought of it. These were some deep pockets. Her fingers played with a gum wrapper in the right pocket as she made her way to the building with her first class.

She liked college.

Everything was so slow paced and regular compared to her usual life. It had only been a little more than two years, yet Leah somehow forgot how different ‘normal’ life was. People didn’t have a mind link or shifted into monsters. There was petty drama and homework and scrambling to find a decent paying part time job.

Leah walked into the classroom with her first and only class of the day. Only two other people were in the room- a girl with bright pink hair and piercings in her ears and nose that participated in class discussions and had a pretty laugh, and a dorky eighteen year old boy who sat in the middle and talked to Leah sometimes when he saw her out of class. A flash of gross jealousy coursed through Leah when her eyes briefly glanced at them as she sat at her seat in the back, closest to the door. They had the sort of life she always thought she would have. With a sigh, she pushed that jealousy down. No one could help what kind of life they had.  

She pulled out her notebook, flipped to a fresh page, and tried not to think too hard about her life.

****

“How was class?” Emily asked softly as she snuggled up on the couch next to Leah.

Leah leaned her head on her cousins shoulder. She rubbed her check on the soft fabric of the blanket around her shoulders. “Alright. I have an essay due in a week, though it’s nothing too hard or anything.” She bit at her lip as she scrolled through tv channels before settling on some Animal Planet show about predators. A lioness with a bloody mouth was dragging a carcass towards her home.

After a few minutes of listening to the soothing deep voice of the narrator, Emily turned her head towards Leah. “I saved some cookies from the weekend for you and Seth.” Her voice was softer than usual, bordering on things that she wished to say, but didn’t want to bring up.

Leah, frankly, didn’t want to hear whatever shit her cousin wished to spout out.

Things between them may be better, but some things Leah couldn’t forgive. Sam made many mistakes, but so did Emily.

“Yeah, we were at the Cullens place, playing with Nessie. Esme made us some food. She’s pretty good for being a leech you know.” A wide, fake smile lifted up her cheeks as a mild anger bubbled in her stomach. “Couldn’t come back before patrol.”

“You could always come after, I don’t mind.”

Leah chuckled and shook her head. “Emily, I honest to god don’t care. I’m not coming here after patrol while you and Sam are all bundled up and snuggling in bed. Jesus Em I’m not a fucking masochist!” She stared hard at her cousin, whose lip trembling, eyes filling up. A part of her wanted to hug her, apologize, just like the good old times, but she couldn’t. She hated this. She hated all of this. She hated that Emily played games like this. Acting all sweet and worried like the sweet little housewife. Leah knew Emily, she _knew_ her. “You know what? I hafta to go. See you later Emily.”

She was out of the house before her cousin could open her mouth again and say something, anything else that could piss Leah off.

****

“I’m just saying, maybe you were a little too harsh.” Seth shrugged his shoulders, his eyes off, looking at the ocean as the waves pushed up onto the beach. “Apparently she cried. A lot.” He glanced away from the water to face Leah. It made her feel small, having his bright eyes fixed onto her.

_He’s just so damn good._

Leah closed her own eyes, staring at the colored blackness of her eyelids. She breathed- in, out. “Maybe.” It wasn’t until hours later when she got back home and fell into bed that she felt a twinge of guilt over losing her grip on all the anger she still had festering inside her. It was just so _fucking_ hard. “I- I just can’t stand it. God, I wish we were still in a separate pack, those were some good days. Never had to deal with his voice, deal with everyone else.” She dug her fingers into the sand.

“Me too. I miss being a three-person operation. Things were crazy, but it was hella fun. Nice, too. I hate hearing the guys talk crap about you. You don’t deserve it.”

Leah opened her eyes to see her little brother clutch at this knees, his face scrunched up in anger. She reach out an arm, gesturing for him to come closer to her. Silently, Seth cuddled up under her arm.

“I love Emily, she’s family. My best friend. But, sometimes I can’t look at her without wanting to combust.” She rubbed at her brother’s warm arm, radiating even more heat between them. “Sam knew what Imprinting is supposed to be and he did all that shit anyways. And Em? She went along with it even before she knew. She helped screw my life up and she acts like she cares, but how can she when she did all that shit to me? She let Sam get close to her, she wanted him and-” A tear fell from her eye and dripped down her chin, unleashing a small wave of sobs.

Seth stayed, hugged her awkwardly from the side, sniffling a bit. He always hated when she cried, most times it made him just as emotional.

“Why’re you crying?” Leah managed to say through her sobs.

“Because you are and I love you and I hate how much you’ve been hurting for so long!”

She brought her hand to his hair- he was growing it out again, it was just about chin length now- and brushed her fingers through it. “You’re so good Seth.” They cried for a little bit longer, watching the waves and listening to the sounds of howling in the distance.

****

The strong scent of Head & Shoulders shampoo and sweat reached her before the person heading her way did. Leah glanced up from her notebook to see the dorky eighteen year old from her Comm class. When they made eye contact the kid grinned and gave a small wave.

“Hey! Mind if I sit here with you? My next class isn’t for another few hours, thought I’d get some studying on.” The kid tapped on the table she was sitting at, his grin wide and warm. He lifted his hand to rub at a shaved part of his head.

“Sure kid, go ahead.” Leah pushed her books closer to herself as he sat in the chair next to her.

“You don’t remember my name do you?” He squinted at her suspiciously, still grinning widely. He reminded her so much of a white boy Seth it had her cracking a small smile in return.

Leah shrugged. “All you pale faces look the same, sorry.”

The kid laughed quietly and shrugged back. “Cannot argue that.” He stuck out his hand. “I’m Sunny.”

“Cute.” Leah shook his hand. “Let me guess, hippie parents? Wait, they are totally the white type of parents that smoke joints with their kids, aren’t they?”

Sunny laughed and rubbed at his head again, his pale face flushing slightly when she called him cute. Oh jeez, not that, not from a kid that reminded her so much of her baby brother! It always made Leah uncomfortable, having guys seem interested in her like this. It made her chest feel slimy and cold and had her want to bathe for hours. Luckily, instead of Sunny saying something stupid, he continued to smile and answered her joke question. “Actually, yeah. My dad bought me some once because I was ‘too stressed’ about my finals and it made him stress or whatever. I don’t even smoke! It’s ridiculous.” He rolled his eyes.

They held their conversation for a few more minutes before turning back towards their individual work. Sunny glanced up at her when her phone chimed with a text from Esme, who was asking if she wanted a ride home since she was in town with Alice and Nessie. That was kind of her. After a hard minute of staring at her screen, she accepted her offer. When she looked up, she met Sunny’s eyes. The kid gave her a shaky smile before glancing back to his highlighted notes.

“Gotta get going. See you later Sun.” She gathered all her shit, dumped it into her bag and exchanged another set of goodbyes with the kid before she successfully left the building. She got another set of texts, from what had to be Alice from her mother’s phone, with a series of emojis and excited exclamation points about how much fun they had had shopping.

Leah rolled her eyes.

****

“Thanks for picking me up Esme.” Leah gave her a tight smile. As much as the woman had grown on her, it was still hard being in a contained space with her. She clicked in her seatbelt and glanced next to her at little Nessie in her spaceship patterned car seat. The little girl was wearing a headband with a large sunflower on it and a bright yellow dress with a little blue blankie wrapped up in her arms. Pretty sure that blanket was a gift from Charlie and her mom. When she gave Leah a grin, it was like looking at the fucking sun. Ugh, damn cute kid.

“Oh, sweetheart it’s no big deal. How was school today? Learn anything interesting?” Esme glanced back at her, her usual soft smile on her face, before turning a little towards her granddaughter to playfully stick her tongue out at her. Nessie stuck her own tongue out right back, giggling.

“Not really. Just a bunch of cramming and writing.” Leah lowered the window, just a smidge, to get a small flow of air going. Honestly, Jake and Seth had to be crazy to withstand this stench. “How about you guys?”

“It was great!” Alice clapped her hands together. “I found some wonderful fabric and we got Ness some cute little boots and some overalls! Just like Auntie Rosie, right Nessie? Oh, and she got this cute little hat that has puppy ears.”

“Like Jake!” Nessie exclaimed proudly, wiggling in her seat.

“Leah, Nessie, are you two hungry? Maybe we can stop and get you two some McDonald’s or, um, Burger King? What is it that you kids like to eat these days?” Esme laughed.

Leah was hungry, she hadn’t eaten since breakfast, which was definitely not as much as she should have gotten considering her large appetite. She lowered her window just a bit more. “I could do with some McDonalds, it’s been a while. What about you Nessie? Feeling down for a happy meal?”

“Yes please.” Nessie nodded, giving Leah an excited smile. She leaned a little closer towards her, gesturing for Leah to lean closer so she could whisper into her ear. Leah rolled her eyes but indulged the baby. “I’m- I’m going to get two Happy Meals!”

The certainty in her voice caused Leah’s lips to twitch. She hummed in thought before whispering back. “I believe in your powers of persuasion kid. Good luck.”

By the time they were heading back towards Forks, Nessie indeed had two Happy Meals, one heating up Alice’s lap with the other in between Leah and Nessie, the little girl munching happily on fries and talking excessively about how cute the little Snoopy toys she had gotten were. Leah nodded along as she ate her own burger.

The car smelled much better than before. She closed the window.

****

A part of Leah hated how that leech Edward might be right about her and her feelings. She was opening up, she was letting more people in then she should of- dorky kids from school, weird old vampires who texted her at the middle of the night asking obscure questions about the world. It made sense that the more at peace she was beginning to feel, the more turmoil she found herself trying to create for herself.

These past years, Leah thrived off the anger surrounding her. Nobody bothered her when they knew she could snap at any moment, nobody could hurt her again and again when they both knew all she was capable of. It was easy to pass through life that way. It was easy to ignore people- Emily- and ignore feelings- so many.

She lay in bed, staring into a little toy kaleidoscope she had found hidden in her desk drawer. The colors shifted about as she slowly swirled it around her eye. She remembered buying this thing, being mesmerized by the colors. One time she had laid in bed, talking idly to Rachel Black about, well, life. They had been fifteen and confused about so many things. Leah remembers mentioning Sam, how much she was pretty sure she liked him. Rachel, in a small voice that shook, so unlike Rachel that it made Leah freeze, said she thought Ruby from English was cute.

Leah placed the kaleidoscope down on her chest.

****

“What's going on here?” Leah leaned over the counter, smiling at Nessie. The little girl had her hair pushed back by a large yellow headband with a bow on top, with little bits of chocolate spread around her mouth. She was grinning and giggling, a sparkle in her brown eyes. Charlie, Leah’s mother, and Edward were helping the baby with whatever she was trying to accomplish, grins on their faces.

“We are making brownies.” Charlie answered when his granddaughter just continued to giggle. “Think our little Loch Ness Monster here might’ve gotten a little too much chocolate in her system.”

Edward shrugged his shoulders, with that small little smile of his on his face as he leaned down to press a kiss to his daughters head. “Maybe you can play with Leah to burn off all that excess energy.” He glanced up at Leah, his golden eyes glimmering with laughter, that fucking asshole. Leah glared at him, but he just laughed.

Somehow, with the combined forces of three great parents, Leah found herself outside, transformed, running around the house with little Nessie on her shoulders, playing what might have been Princess Mononoke or pirates- Leah wasn’t sure. She just knew that the little girl was giggling and squealing and yelling out and having fun as she told Leah where to go. Nessie’s tiny hands gripped hard at her fur, but she paid it no mind.

****

Rachel roughly grabbed her chin with her left hand as her right continued to fucking stab at Leah’s face. “Hold. Still.” She ground out. “You said you would cooperate. So stop.”

Leah contained the urge to shift or make a face. The last time she had put on makeup was to the rinky dink little prom her high school held. She had worn a dress shirt and a skirt that Rachel had shoved at her and practically forced her to wear. Back then, she had somehow gotten off from getting a whole makeover and instead had put on some of her mom's eyeshadow. She had rubbed it on with her fingers. She just had never really been a real girly girl.

She liked to wear her dad’s clothes and go fishing with him. The only real girl friends she had were Emily and the Black twins. The first time Leah felt like whatever the hell a stereotypical girl should feel was when she would talk to Sam. She would fidget with her hair and feel an uncomfortable feeling within her chest. It made her feel lightheaded each time he looked at her with a gleam- of love and trust and a bit of want- in his eyes. It had been years, and Leah hadn’t felt like a woman since Sam.

Makeup wasn’t the answer- but hanging out with a close friend and going out to dance would be. A little bit. She guessed. It had been so long that she actually indulged in a little self care of whatever the hell this was. Leah stayed on the Rez or at the Cullen’s place or at school and talked to the same group of people and did the same thing everyday- school, homework, patrol when it’s her day (it was nice, the combination of having a large pack, a null treaty with the Cullen’s, and no run ins with any leeches with an ill will. They could go to school and actually be people again), sleep, repeat, repeat, repeat. It was draining as fuck.

“There. See, it wasn’t that hard, was it?” Rachel muttered as she pulled her hand away and began to dig through her bag for something else. “Okay, let’s get you changed, then I’ll put some lipstick on you, and we’ll be on our way. Got it Leah?”

“Yes, yes my fashion guru.” Leah muttered as she stood up and moved towards where Rachel had a pile of clothes on her bed. She shoved on a pair of glittery ripped jeans that kind of only slightly made her want to cry and a white sleeveless top that was a little too short for her so a good portion of her stomach was bare. The whole back was practically nonexistent too- her shoulder blades out for the world to marvel. At least she couldn't get cold. Leah rubbed at her arms. “How’s this?”

Rachel hummed. “Cute. I’d flirt with you.”

Her face felt warm at the thought of Rachel leaning close to her, giggling, her long black hair tickling Leah’s arm. Ugh. Stop that. She searched under the bed for a pair of shoes to wear. “Uh, thanks I guess.”

“No problem.” Rachel turned back to Leah, now wearing a short silver skirt, a white crop top, and high heels that put her nearly to Leah’s height. “How many girls do you think I can attract in this?” She asked, smoothing at her stomach with a frown. “Shit, I’m kinda hairy.”

“It’s cute. Plus, I’m always hairy, it kinda grows on you.” Leah smiled over her shoulder at her friend.

The other girl laughed loudly, her hands clutching at her stomach, her smile wide and bright. “Girl, did you just do two puns in one? I swear you guys are the worst!” She tilted her head to the side, her lips moving to fake a frown, but couldn’t quite achieve it. Rachel was so pretty it made Leah feel as though she couldn’t talk.

She licked her lips and glanced away from Rachel. “Not intentionally. Comes with the territory- you begin to tell shitty jokes.” Rachel just laughed. “Anyways, girls won’t care about hair. They’ll just flock to you and be all over you, promise.”

“Oh, you Alice now? Do you see this?” Rachel giggled out.

Leah pulled on a pair of jeweled sandals as she snorted. “I’m no leech Rachel. Now... let’s go.”

****

Scents assaulted her nose- sweat and alcohol and prescription drugs and perfume and strong cologne and blood from the hurting feet of women dancing and ugh. It was gross, but Leah plastered a smile on her face when Rachel glanced back excitedly at her.

This was a bad idea, why did Leah think otherwise?

Was this the extent she went to to ignore the issues she didn’t want to face? The ones with Emily, the ones with herself? Leah was making excuses for not going over to visit her cousin and this was just the latest. It was better to face this small problem then to go and have a serious talk that would make her cry and get angry enough to want to turn so she could scream freely.

Rachel’s soft hand grabbed her own. “Hey, c’mon. It’s gonna be fine Leah. You don’t even gotta talk to anyone, just have some fun. If you want, I’ll stick to your side all night long.” Her eyes were warm and soft and Leah kind of wanted to-

It was dumb, but she kind of wanted to kiss Rachel. It was dumb. She had no reason to, but the small thought, the urge, was there and, well, Leah never really thought out her actions, ever, so when she leaned down and pressed her lips to Rachel’s she was both surprised and not. What was wrong with her? Fuck.

Rachel made a noise, but didn’t pull back. In fact, she surged forward, her fingers moving from Leah’s cheek to her hair, staying there, kissing her sweetly. It was nice. A little charged, exciting, her heart beating fast and her chest feeling warm. It felt way better than any other kiss Leah had ever had before this. Actually, now that she thought of it, wasn’t Rachel her first kiss? They had been thirteen, sitting behind her fathers recliner, joking around and reading some Seventeen magazine issue that Rachel liked, reading a page about kissing, when Rachel had looked up, bit at her lip and asked-

Leah pulled away, her breathing ragged. “Um.” She raised her hands up, not sure what to do with them. Should she step back or place them on Rachel’s shoulders and waist or-

Rachel grinned up at her, her hands still on Leah, on her shoulders. “What was that?” She asked quietly, still grinning. Her voice sounded excited, happy. Leah didn’t know what she was doing.

“I-” Leah’s voice seemed to disappear in her throat, so she simply shrugged instead. She glanced down, her eyes glued to Rachel’s holographic heels. They were pink and purple and silver- mixed up like Leah’s head. Fuck fuck fuck fuck should she just leave and run home? Would she just start ignoring Rachel next? Start fights with her and- and-   

A soft hand caressed her face. “Hey, c’mon. It’s okay. Hey, let’s go get some tea instead. There’s this place nearby that’s open until two in the morning. I heard it’s good. What do you say Leah?”

Voice still absent, she nodded.

****

Leah breathed in through her nose, out through her mouth. Her hand reached up and knocked on the door. It was open, she knew it was open. Their house had no sense of privacy, what with a bunch of teenage shapeshifting boys coming in and out for a place to sleep or eat. But, it was the principle of it all. She wasn’t going to act overly familiar.

A moment passed before a bare chested Sam answered the door, blinking sleepily. He leaned his body against the doorway. “Uh- hey Leah. What’s,” he yawned loudly, his jaw popping loudly. God, she hated that sound. It made chills run up her back. “You wanna talk to Emmy?” He pointed towards the inside of the house. His hand landed back on his chest, scratching at it.

Leah crossed her arms and stared up at him through slitted eyes. God, can’t he ever wear a shirt. “Yeah. She still sleeping?” It was early sunday monday, she wouldn’t be surprised if she was. Despite how Emily presented herself, she was not a morning person, she liked to lie in bed and sleep for as long as possible.

Sam stepped back from the door, letting Leah inside. “She’s in bed, but I’m pretty sure she’s coherent. If not, I keep a pitcher of water on the dresser.” The thought of possibly pouring a whole pitcher of water on Emily made Leah smile. “I’m gonna start some breakfast. You want some eggs?” He moved towards the fridge, not glancing towards Leah as he spoke.

“Sure thing, you know how I like that.”

“Over easy.” Sam mumbled to himself as he set the carton of eggs on the counter. “Alright then.”

It was a familiar enough scene. Leah rubbed as her chest as she stared forward, ignored the two kids curled up in blankets on the floor, and strolled over to the hallway. Picture frames lined the wall- of the pack, of Sam and Emily as kids and now. Leah stopped short when she saw one photo in particular- her and Emily, sitting, cuddling, with a bonfire in front of them. Emily is laughing, mouth open wide, and Leah was poking at the sand with a large stick. She missed her best friend.

Leah knocked lightly on the door, waited a second, and walked into the bedroom. It smelled strongly of Sam and Emily- obviously it would, but it still caused Leah to blink in shock, her knees trembling and hand gripping hard at the doorknob. She breathed in through her mouth. It helped.

She sat down on the edge of the bed and poked at Emily’s face. “Hey. Wake up Aurora.”  Her fingers brushed against the jagged skin of her scars.

Back when she was at what she felt was her true angriest, when she had thought Emily had been attacked by a bear, a horrible, horrible part of Leah thought- good. It’s what she deserved. The second after she thought so she burst into tears. How could she be so fucking awful? She felt at the bumpy skin.

Emily’s eyes opened and her hand flew away from her cousins face. “Leah?” She mumbled sleepily.

“Can we talk?” Leah’s voice must have sounded as desperate as she tried not to sound, because Emily was sitting up and looking wide awake, mouth open, head nodding up and down, waiting for Leah to speak. Leah ran her fingers through her hair. The wind had blown it about and it had a knot in the back. “I feel like you betrayed me. That you played me. Imprinting… it’s not supposed to be whatever stunt you and Sam pulled. I don’t know… I guess we were just all confused about all our feelings.” She bit at her lips, not able to meet Emily’s eyes and she whispered, “I kissed Rachel last night.”

“Wow. That’s-” Emily placed her hand on top of Leah’s as she searched for her words. “I could have done things differently. Sam was just so sure, that moment he saw me. And… I think I felt it too. I told him no, but this little thing inside me… we kissed. Before Sam broke up with you. I kissed him. I felt like the biggest bitch in the world. The worst person ever.” Her voice was wet, breaking slightly as she talked quietly. There was a strong possibility that the three other werewolves in the small house could absolutely hear them.

It’s not like there was much use in trying to keep a secret anyways- the boys would find out by the evening one way or another.

“I don’t know if I ever loved Sam like I thought I did. I loved when we hung out and did friend things, but my chest, my stomach… it hurt so bad whenever he went and kissed me. It was off… and I don’t know what that means and my mind feels so damn muddled and I cannot believe I kissed _Rachel Black_. Fuck.” Leah leaned her head onto Emily’s shoulder. “I think I can move past Sam, but I don’t know if I can forgive everything. Even if… even if I’m a lesbian or whatever and this got me out of marrying a man and lying to myself or whatever the fuck- you two still hurt me so bad.” Tears welled up in her eyes and she sniffed. “Fuck.”

Emily made soothing sounds. “Can we try? Please? I miss you Leah. You’re my best friend. And you don’t need to be reminded to use deodorant or not to track in dirt.” They collapsed into one another, giggling.

They weren't fixed. But damn was it nice to be with her again. They cried in each others arms and when they got up to eat, everyone pretended that they weren’t red eyed and sniffling. Leah ruffled at Collin’s hair and stole bites of his King’s Hawaiian roll and made jokes that had him and Brady stifling their laughs.

****

The wind blew at her hair, pushing it back. She lay on the porch, watching as the Cullen boys, Rosalie, Jacob, and Seth played some complicated version of football. Next to her, Benjamin leaned against a porch post with little Nessie on his lap, the both of them cheering loudly for Jacob’s team. Leah huffed with laughter every time any one of them did something stupid (often, it was often. There was a reason they liked to joke that the Cullen children shared one collective brain cell).

Emmett was attempting to seduce Rosalie and get her attention away from chasing after the ball by dancing and wiping uselessly at his brow to show off his muscular, pale body. It was a valiant attempt, but hadn’t worked one bit. Edward kept glancing about where he was sure someone was going to move and getting offended when he got called out for cheating. Jasper kept yelling out in incomprensible southern slang that only Edward seemed to understand.

“They are all so odd.” Benjamin laughed as he placed his chin on top of Nessie’s head. Her yellow bow was squashed under his chin, acting as a cushion.

“The worst.” Leah groaned out as she watched Seth quickly jump around Jasper and pass the ball to Edward. “I don’t think any of them know how to play football.”

Benjamin laughed, kind and loud. When Jacob glanced over at them, he raised his hand in a wave and laughed again. That’s cute. Real cute. Honestly, out of all the leeches, Leah had to like Benjamin the most. Even when he was red eyed, he still radiated the energy of being a good person. “They certainly do not!”

The rest of the game, Benjamin began to lift up at the playing field whenever someone on Jacob’s opposing team got the ball. It irritated Edward on no end, but Esme, who seemed to be the referee now that she had come outside after sticking food into the oven for after the game, was calling the shots and pretending not to notice the slight change of terrain, much to Edward’s obvious annoyance.

When the game finished with no clear winner, Jacob and Seth sat on the porch. Jacob wrapped his arm around Benjamin as he chugged a glass of water. They sat in silence before he said “So, Rachel?”

Heat rushed through Leah’s chest and she glanced away from them all, staring ahead at the deep green leaves of the forest trees. Words didn’t seem to want to come out of her mouth and she made no effort to answer. Leah knew this line of questioning would happen sooner than later, but that did not mean she was prepared whatsoever.

“Leave it alone man.” Seth whispered under his breath, sounding a little angry. Leah turned back to see his thick eyebrows scrunched close together, his mouth pulled down in a frown. Without much thought, Leah leaned over and brushed a lock of his long hair behind his ear. He glanced at her with his watery eyes and she gave him a grateful smile.

“Yeah, Rachel.” Was all Leah said before she stood up and wandered inside towards the scent of food, not quite finished yet, but she would rather be around Esme and Carlisle than endure another second in the silence that followed this short conversation she wasn’t ready to face head on- not yet. Not until she thought it all out completely and actually spoke to Rachel about it. Whenever that would be. Fuck- Leah was pathetic.

****

Teenagers she recognized from around La Push were running in and out of the ocean’s water, laughing loudly and daring one another to do certain tasks. When Leah looked closely, she could see one of the boys from the pack. He raised his hand when he saw her and she tilted her head down in greeting, but she walked past him, letting him have fun with his friends, people who were normal and had no clue of the gloom and weirdness of their life. He was a few months older than Seth, a good kid who shifted and joined when the leeches came into town. Leah knew from the link that he liked being part of the pack, but missed his friends.

Leah found herself sitting on top of a rock, watching as the water in the small tide pools waver slightly as little creatures inside them moved about, waiting for the water to rise and wash them away somewhere new. She had spent the past few days thinking about how to go forward. She was kind of embarrassed at the thought of _knocking_ on the door of the Black house and having Billy or- god forbid- her alpha open the door. So, she did the next best thing and pulled out her phone, quickly typing out a text to her friend before she could lose any courage within herself.

It was only a minute later that Rachel texted back, and less than half an hour for her to plop down on the rock next to Leah, a thick blanket over her shoulders that she lifted when Leah turned towards her, offering. Leah nodded and scooted closer to her, letting the blanket fall over her shoulders. The thing smelled a little like Jacob, which was oddly comforting in this moment of Leah feeling vulnerable and weak. God, she hoped Jacob never heard her think something like that, gross.

“Hi.” Rachel whispered. The slight wind carried up her hair. “How are you?”

Leah opened her mouth, “Great. My mind’s been a mess for years, but, you know. Coping and shit.” She shrugged her shoulders, her right shoulder bumping into Rachel’s. Her heart felt as though it had stopped beating, but also like it was stuffing itself in her throat, keeping her from speaking. She licked her lips and breathed out slowly. “This is hard. It’s really hard.”

“I know, I know it is, but it will get better. It will.” Rachel’s voice shook in a way that made Leah want to hug her, so she settled for letting her head drop onto Rachel’s shoulder, her hand reaching out to clasp her friends. “It’s dumb, but I had this biggest crush on you for _years_ . I was really heartbroken when I heard about you and Sam. Which made me feel horrible because you really _loved_ him.”

Did she though? She hated the lingering thoughts that made her question the past years of her life. “After our kiss, I really started to think about me and Sam, how I felt. And- I don’t know if what I thought I felt was really true. I just- it was what I _should_ have felt for him, so I felt it, but it wasn’t- right. Everything with Sam and Emily, that still broke me, but there was a reason it happened. Otherwise I would have gotten myself stuck.” She raised her hand from where it clutched Rachel’s and rubbed at her friends cold arm, warming up where the goosebumps had risen.

They were silent, watching as the sun began to slowly move closer and closer to the horizon.

“Did you like it? The kiss?” Rachel’s voice was small, but Leah could hear her perfectly. The way hope and want lined her words.

Leah turned to her and smiled- Rachel was watching her closely with her lovely dark eyes, her thick eyebrows pulled down as her eyes struggled in the fading light of twilight. “Of course. I’d be an idiot not to,” Leah said with a shrug of her shoulders. Rachel grinned, leaning forward so her nose bumped with Leah’s. Their breathing hitched at being so close. Leah griped at Rachel’s wrist. “Please,” her voice was raw, quiet, just mere inches away from Rachel Black’s lips.

When Rachel’s lips pressed against her own, the sun was replaced by the moon, Leah’s chest was swelling with an emotion she couldn’t quite name at this moment, but it was wonderful and bright and she didn’t want to pull away or stop or have this moment pass by. They kissed and kissed, until they pulled away, breath mingling together, warm in the cold night. Leah didn’t know what would happen next, but it felt as though once again her life had shifted into something new, something world shattering. But unlike last time, it was tangible, anticipation singing in every part of her as she grinned at Rachel before leaning in again and kissing her once again.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope this was good??? I always feel unsure about endings, but I think it had a nice callback to everything??? Please tell me what you think!


End file.
